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WHAT MAKES YOU LESBIAN? OR SCREWED UP?

This should be an interesting post if it makes it past the “publish” button. I’m following an impulse, which I try to avoid, by reacting to today’s Oprah show.  What is it about sex that grabs us and won’t let us go?

Today, Oprah style, she used her unlimited funds and unexcelled clout to out-do herself by displaying Two-Hundred Living Men, all abused and all permanently damaged emotionally. It was her attempt to publically heal them all. She milked them for every tear of sympathy in us, and it was painful to watch.

Frankly, I’m still not sure where I stand on sexual abuse. Never yet, not today or any other day, have I heard on TV the “other” story–the millions of other stories–about what happened to all of the rest of us.  

Forgive me if you can’t admit that this applies to you, but I question whether it is possible to live in a physical body void of sexual urges, responses,  pleasures, guilt, shame, and, above all, unfulfilled desires and unanswered questions. If we were given this, who decided that any expression of it so wrong?

I’ve always felt that my childhood sex life was probably pretty much like everybody else’s. We lived on a farm. There were no boys anywhere around our house except for cousins who came for Sunday dinner sometimes. With them, my sisters and I had favorites. In groups, we paired off and pretended to be on dates and stuff, but never got naked or anything.

But on any given week-day my older sister and I figured out how to play husband and wife and to take turns “being on top” and gratifying each other orally. I remember being puzzled when my very strict parents caught us at it a couple of times and let it pass as if they hadn’t seen it. Wise move.

What is  it about sex that is so forbidden? Am I permanently damaged? Was I abused by a kid almost my same age? I’m not angry with my big sister. I don’t blame her for every shortcoming in my life nor for any of my addictions. I’m not lesbian; I don’t take antidepressants. I think I go with the idea that the alternative, not having sexual arousal at all would be ever so much worse than a typical childhood. Parents have to get their heads out of the sand and protect kids at all costs.

 

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